How long can you hold your breath??

Well, I can for a month!! No blog entries in September at all!!

Eric and I both breathed sweet sighs of releif. Hoping that the Reign of infertility terror is well behind us. Now, we revel in our good fortune!! 108 heartbeats per minute. Such an active bean. Measuring 5 weeks 5 days (I'm 6 weeks today...that's gestational weeks). Due date 6/1/08, although that could change a number of times in the next few weeks!

Jessica's Shower

It was a success. Great food and wine, lots of laughs and girl talk. An obscene amount of gifts. All that a shower should be. I'm happy that my friend had such a beautiful celebration.

Lucy-fur

My mom rescued this angel dog! She's all terrier and quite the glamour girl! I fell in love with her!

She's come a long way. From growling and snarling, to trusting and sharing Walt's ice cream cones.

I hear she's taken up golf. A true rags-to-riches story!

Underrated Grief

by Molly Fumia

What is the death of a child? It is, indeed a question mark. It is the loss of hope, of imaginings, of order within the future. It is a persistent, stinging regret, a lifetime of "what ifs." The life of a child, however shortened, is still very real to those who have already begun to imagine the future with a new baby and known, as only a happily pregnant woman can, his or her existence within her. It is a life simply unlived, and grief for the loss of that dream can be profound.
Having experienced two miscarriages, I suggest that it is an event capable of provoking deep longing and debilitating emptiness, especially for those who have no other children to offer relief from the pain. Where once life seemed full of hope and promise, only questions remain. What day would he have been born? What would she have been like? What are we missing, now that the baby we created is gone? The reality of motherhood has only begun to blossom when its source is suddenly taken away. Unable to keep up with such profound changes, both body and spirit continue to act as if the hope was still alive; that "feeling" given forth by the life within us persists for a long while after its death.
Grieving for your children lost to miscarriage is appropriate and should be honored. A small ceremony with your loved ones, planting a tree, time away to befriend the feelings and imagine a new future--all these concrete acts will help. The message is clear--if you are in pain, be kind to yourself. Grieve until you are healed. And enable others to grieve as they must.

Excerpted with permission from "A Piece of My Heart: Living Through the Grief of Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death" by Molly Fumia, Conari Press, 2000.

Jim & Donna

We had dinner with Jim and Donna two weeks ago. What a fabulous evening. I love the situation of their home on the pond, in the woods.

What sanctuary.

Here's two guys doing what guys do!

a man and his tv

When I met Eric, he wanted one. Now it's all his!

Spent the evening with Steve and Deanna....and you know what that means! I got to see CoCo Bean! And she's bigger and cuter!! I tried to take her picture but I couldn't keep away from her long enough!! Here's the best I got!

Steve says she very naughty and loves eggs (you can't crack one without her comarunnin' for some omelet action!) and ham (no doubt, low sodium like momma Mar fed her)!!

The stomping of the grapes

Here's my fil, Andre, making homemade vino! Can't wait to be invited over to try some!

A busy day.

I got my hair done this morning and my 29 year old hairdresser had to have a total hysterectomy and a portion of her bowel removed. She had uterine cancer. When the docs went in to perform the hyterectomy they found a tumor the size of a fig on her bladder and another on her bowel. Both came back cancerous.

Luckily, she already has two beautiful daughters. They are delightful. But she said that she and her husband were thinking of having another.

I think God is trying to tell me something. So often, I'm in situations where I'm forced to re-evaluate really how good I have it. Yes, losing three children isn't chump change. It's real and it plain sucks and it hurts and it's life altering and it has simply broken our hearts. Two people that love each other, that have married, built a home, finished our educations, have money for food. We truly and earnestly want a family to have all of the bliss of pregnancy and welcoming their first baby into the world just robbed of us has been a cruel blow to us both. Let alone the grief process that seems never ending, especially now that September is aproaching and we mourn yet another birthday with no sweet babe in our arms.

That said, I'm reminded of how lucky I am when Eric tells me how pretty I am when I'm feeling fat and old, that we are perfectly healthy. And most importanly, how much we laugh.

Although, we are not promised tomorrow, tomorrow has much promise.

me and my bright ideas

Who's so dumb to share their blog with their husband after they blogged about a handsome RE?

C'est moi!

Here's his email to me....

I got your "dreamy doc" right here! ('zzziiiip")

geesh!!

I love that man of mine (most of time, when I'm not scheming his demise for some random transgression)...Eric Lonchambon. He truly is dreamy.

A great day

My dear Carole's frustrating and discouraging wait is over. She was hired today by Fairfield school district.

I just love it when dreams come true, when wishes become reality. Most of all I loved the sound in her voice. She is so happy, and so am I! Here's Caleb in a Stance of Victory...just like his momma!

The heat broke around 4:20pm....and a glorious cool breeze came along. It was a gift.

and last but not least. It's so Friday. A busy week is over and I'm loving my house and "me" time. I'm so lucky to have time to myself. I have to stop and conciously savor it, for in no time I may look back with great fondness on the days that were all mine...to read The Secret as I am tonight, and to fry up a plate of breaded fresh jersey zucchini and eat it all...as I just did.

Divinity.

Truvy

I saw an interview a long time ago with the cast of Steel Magnolias.

Julia Roberts was telling the story of how they were filming in the summer in the south. She was complaining to Dolly Parton about the heat.

Dolly told her that she didn't want to complain because being an actress was her dream come true and she could at least put up with the heat.

If I ever hold a pregnacy.

I promise not to complain and just put up with the heat.

Baby fix

One of my providers grandson's was over and I got to hold and love him up!!

He's getting so big! 9 months already.

He's a chunk and love bug!

Jesus Freaks or just plain freaks?

Since this is my very own blog, I feel it's my right to post my very own thoughts.

Eric and I watched Jesus Camp last night and I found it quite disturbing.

Reverend Hubbard (wasn't he just this year dismissed from his mega-church amidst some scandalous and very anti religous right activities??? Or was that someone else?) was right. When evangelicals vote...they sway the political race. I find it both horrifying and amusing at the same time. The religous right votes for G Dub on the abortion ticket (war shmar, economy eshomony, health care, health smar) and win. But abortion is still legal (thankfully for those who need it). Georgie pays lipservice to this group to earn their vote?

Anyway, my heart broke for the little soldiers, the children being groomed to continue the political agenda.

I'm all about being on fire for God, to raise children to have a solid religeous foundation. But "using" children to promote any religious fanatisism or political agenda is plain wrong and makes me sad.

And another thing. I wonder if non Christians in America and around the world view all Christians as radical, like what was shown on Jesus Camp and on TBS. That also makes me sad. I know a number of Christians who have quietly devoted their lives to service, really as a calling. I have such a deep and sincere repect for these true soldiers for God.

Sister Anne
Sister Lawrence
Sister Mary
Sister Sarah
and Birikty

Thank you for being a true example to other Christians and to humankind as a whole of how we should treat one another. Their life long devotion has got to bear more weight than some theatrical Bible beating sermon with people falling out and speaking gibberish...I mean in tongues.

a little embarrassing....

...but I still miss little CoCo Bean kitten.

I fell for that girl hook, line & sinker!!

I actually called for Deanna and called out for "Beannie!!!" on the answering machine. They may be avoiding me for awhile. I hope that they don't think I'm too weird. I'm just in love with their cat.

While at Dr. M's on Wednesday, I was filing out paperwork. I young woman, simply dressed with her hair in a ponytail was talking to the assistant.

She was telling her that this is her 4th attempt at pregancy with IUI and her insurance doesn't cover most of it. She's working two jobs, seven days a week. Her medication costs $600 per month.

I sat in shame.

Would I be willing to work two jobs? Really. Would I be willing to give up all of my free time? To hand over all of my cash to the pharmacy.

Aside from my $10 copay that just went up to $15 (and I had the nerve to be annoyed), my insurance covers everything. I don't have to worry about whether or not I will have the means to see the doctor to help me to keep a pregancy.

I feel so selfish. This woman seemed to be taking it all in stride. Even though her first three attempts failed. I've spent my days off feeling sorry for myself, while she's working her ass off to take care of business.

My hat goes off to her. She is already a devoted mother. She's jumping hurdles and moving moutains for her baby.

I will not complain anymore about my crappy luck or how tough it's been.

If she's not complaining. Then I'm not complaining.

S & K Bday

Enjoyed a nice relaxing evening at Kathy's to celebrate hers and Suzie's birthday.

It's hard to imagine we'd ever be 34.

Grown women.

Some things have changed. But so much is the same.

I look at those girls...Carole, Suzie, Kathy, Jessica and I feel so connected to them sometimes. Like we're all branches from the same tree.

May 34 be our lucky number.

I'm in love

Dr. M is very handsome. I wanted to have a drink with him, while he went on about luteal phase defiiciencies....dreamy. That's only if I were single and totally unattached (geesh!! can't a girl dream? Oh...like you've never wanted to rape your machanic/plumber/accountant/ear,nose & throat doctor!!!)

OK, now that I got that out of the way.

We went over my records. Then he said this one thing. It's really all I needed to hear today

"Your going to have a baby. There's no doubt in my mind"

Ok, that's two things.

I could have kissed him.

Wouldn't that have been ashame.

new RE

I visit Dr. Manara today at 5:45pm.

Yesterday I was thinking..."you know, you don't have to go. You don't have to do any of this. You can just keep trying your luck"

But I'm going.

I went to Dr. C. for 5 months. A lot of tests and another miscarriage is all that came out of that.

I hope that I love Dr. M.

July Babies

We had such a sweet night tonight! Complete with good food, a to-die-for cake, great presents (the kind you really like!!) and plenty of girl talk. It doesn't get better than this!

Birthday Girl!! 34! I'm all grown up!

Stella's Birthday March 13, 1719

Stella this day is thirty-four, (We shan't dispute a year or more:)

However, Stella, be not troubled,

Although thy size and years are doubled,Since first I saw thee at sixteen,

The brightest virgin on the green;So little is thy form declin'd;

Made up so largely in thy mind.

Oh, would it please the gods to splitThy beauty, size, and years, and wit;

No age could furnish out a pairOf nymphs so graceful, wise, and fair;

With half the lustre of your eyes,With half your wit, your years, and size.

And then, before it grew too late,

How should I beg of gentle Fate,(That either nymph might have her swain,)

To split my worship too in twain.

Jonathan Swift

It really is a wonderful life. A quaint home, food on the table, a smokin' hot husband, darling friends, and faithful family. I'm living like a rich lady (as my dad would say!!)

Some pics of dinner at Lucia's. One of my favorites! Also a pic of my beautiful new mother-of-pearl bracelet from the Lonchambon's.

King Tut

Went to Philadelphia today with Eric and his folks to the King Tut exhibit.

Unbelivable artifacts...3400 years old. Mindblowing. It was really crowded and pretty expensive to get in ($32.50 per person!!! ouch!!)

This pic was from last night on the patio with my new canldle-lier! A birthday gift from Flo!!

That's Amore!!

Working on Jessica's favor boxes....I think they turned out sweeter and cuter than I expected!

Shower planning

Just ordered $200 worth of disposable tableware!!! YIKES!! Shower is a month away. I so want it to be as sweet, charming and memorable as possible!!

I'm feeling better (aka: more in control) now that Susie and I have narrowed down a favor and it's packaging, we will have plates for our guest from which they can eat!!!

More ordering ..... have to get Eric's gondolier hat!!! :) Love that man!!

Still miss little Beannie.... :(

Beannie went home...sniff

How fun!! I've been wanting to start journaling again (well, not that I was ever a steadfast journalist...just go through whims) it's just so much easier for me to type. Especially now that my handwriting has gone from that of a serial killer to that of secret code.

Little CoCo Bean went home to her parents today. I've cried most of the day, the seperation anxiety is in full effect, coupled with the famililar fear of loss, etc...ahh the joys of infertility. It really does fog up every aspect of life.

It's amazing how one little kitten wrapped me and Eric around her little pinky paw. It's incredible how much I could love her and feel such tenderness for her so quickly. It was such a gift to have her here. She brought so much sunshine into what seems like too many cloudy days. A pure joy that kitten is. A beautiful baby with a free and precious spirit. She stole our hearts.

Tonight, I met Jessica at Blinker Custard. Nothing like a twist with chocolate jimmies to cure what ails me!