by Molly FumiaWhat is the death of a child? It is, indeed a question mark. It is the loss of hope, of imaginings, of order within the future. It is a persistent, stinging regret, a lifetime of "what ifs." The life of a child, however shortened, is still very real to those who have already begun to imagine the future with a new baby and known, as only a happily pregnant woman can, his or her existence within her. It is a life simply unlived, and grief for the loss of that dream can be profound.
Having experienced two miscarriages, I suggest that it is an event capable of provoking deep longing and debilitating emptiness, especially for those who have no other children to offer relief from the pain. Where once life seemed full of hope and promise, only questions remain. What day would he have been born? What would she have been like? What are we missing, now that the baby we created is gone? The reality of motherhood has only begun to blossom when its source is suddenly taken away. Unable to keep up with such profound changes, both body and spirit continue to act as if the hope was still alive; that "feeling" given forth by the life within us persists for a long while after its death.
Grieving for your children lost to miscarriage is appropriate and should be honored. A small ceremony with your loved ones, planting a tree, time away to befriend the feelings and imagine a new future--all these concrete acts will help. The message is clear--if you are in pain, be kind to yourself. Grieve until you are healed. And enable others to grieve as they must.
Having experienced two miscarriages, I suggest that it is an event capable of provoking deep longing and debilitating emptiness, especially for those who have no other children to offer relief from the pain. Where once life seemed full of hope and promise, only questions remain. What day would he have been born? What would she have been like? What are we missing, now that the baby we created is gone? The reality of motherhood has only begun to blossom when its source is suddenly taken away. Unable to keep up with such profound changes, both body and spirit continue to act as if the hope was still alive; that "feeling" given forth by the life within us persists for a long while after its death.
Grieving for your children lost to miscarriage is appropriate and should be honored. A small ceremony with your loved ones, planting a tree, time away to befriend the feelings and imagine a new future--all these concrete acts will help. The message is clear--if you are in pain, be kind to yourself. Grieve until you are healed. And enable others to grieve as they must.
Excerpted with permission from "A Piece of My Heart: Living Through the Grief of Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death" by Molly Fumia, Conari Press, 2000.
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